Lymphoma-sodes: Boy Scout Uniforms & Faith

8/30/2009

What a weekend. PHEW! I’m exhausted, but it is the good kind of exhausted. I’m wishing I could extend the weekend into, oh say forever- is that too much to ask? I’m absolutely, positively, no doubt about it DREADING this week but we’ll discuss that later; back to the weekend…

As I previously posted the brother came home for less than 48 hours, however it was a good visit. In true Aaron fashion he didn’t miss a beat. The scene: Aaron, my mom, and I in the kitchen eating breakfast Saturday morning. I say to Aaron in between bites of my deliciously fantastic organic peanut butter toast (Archer Farms Chunky brand of course), “So what do you think of the bald head?” Without a missing a beat, Aaron looks at me with the grin, the same grin he gets when he’s been waiting to use a line he’s been saving up for the perfect occasion and can barely get out because he thinks he is so funny he’s going to laugh at his line whether we think its funny or not and says, “Kris, nothing compares to you.” I look at him and roll my eyes and start to laugh because for Aaron, his “nothing compares to you” is nothing compares to you as in the Sinead O’Connor song in the 90’s, meaning he thinks I look like Sinead O’Connor. I’m anticipating that I’ll be getting a picture of the Pope for Christmas from the comedian.

It’s amazing how siblings can bond in situations. I don’t think I’ve spent that much time in a car with my brother since I was 10 and he was 6 and we were heading up north for family vacation. Between the trips to donate old treasures, making friends with the fellas at the recycling center, and the numerous trips back to my house and my parents’ house we had some good conversation. (This time though we didn’t have that imaginary line down the middle of the seat with the empty threats of, “If you cross the line I’m tellin’ mom!”)

We made it back to our parents’ house and had less then ten hours to get through his childhood up to college, which had been conveniently packed away into various sizes and colors of the plastic totes everyone uses as their excuse to buy more stuff. As we made progress conversation was filled over and over again with the, “Oh my God! Remember this?” or “No way!” or “I can’t believe I ever wore something like that!” or the ever popular, “I soooo call dibs on…” I was particularly fond of finding my old swimsuits; I can’t believe how many I had as a kid. As I examined them I would hear the cracking of the elastic they were so old and dry. The absolute highlight of the evening was the fact that not only did we find Aaron’s Boy Scout uniform but Aaron, at 28 years old still fits into it. Yep that’s right. It was quite the sight and I have the picture to prove it. We made a lot of headway this weekend. We sorted, donated, and recycled a lot of our childhood. We even managed a great brunch with our two aunts and parents before getting Aaron back on a plane to L.A. And so Monday is tomorrow. *Insert dreaded sigh here* UGH.

So Monday is my last day of freedom before the stem cell transplant process begins. I have testing all week. If emotions were horses at the racetrack I would have to say Anxiety with a touch of Nervous Anticipation would be the frontrunner. Aside from the baldness, normalcy was just beginning to return to my reality and now I get to return to the hospital. What a tease. For me hospital equals smell; icky, gross, sick to my stomach instantly smell. It’s that sterile-dial-soapy, please-God-let-my-test- results-be-good-pit-in-my-stomach-smell. It’s that smell that once I am cured I will never voluntarily smell again. I know everything is going to work out though and I will get through this; it’s the getting through part that is the toughest because no one and I mean no one has the crystal ball and can give me the reassurance that I’m looking for and that’s where faith comes in.

I thank God every day for all that He has blessed me with. I was on the phone with Christel this week and we were discussing this very topic of having faith because it feels like there has just been so much bad in the last year. The question we had was, once the bad happens in life how do you not live in an almost paranoid state, always thinking you have to be prepared, waiting for the next bad thing to happen?

Christel went on to tell me about a quote a coworker of hers had posted on Facebook. I wish I had the quote, but the meaning is what helped me. It was about envisioning seeing fear & anxiety one side and faith on the other (don’t ask me why but I kept envisioning motorcycle handlebars) and making a choice; choosing to continue to allow the fear and anxiety to take hold or grabbing that handlebar and having faith that the Lord is going to see you through this and give you the strength and courage to let go of the fear and anxiety. I’ve grabbed the handlebar on the right, which is faith and I’m holding on tighter than I ever have before.

Christel also gave me a great quote from Ann Landers:

'If I were asked to give what I consider the most useful bit of advice for all of humanity it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look at it squarely in the eye and say, ‘I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.’

Words are powerful and sometimes saying them out loud can give you the courage you need to help with the getting through; its not about the big c, but rather finding faith which will give you the strength and courage to get you through whatever it is that is causing stress.

So this was a long post; hopefully I didn’t get too serious for you! It was a great weekend; I got to hang out with two of my most favorite kiddos, Jilly & Evan (which is a post within itself J), see my brother, and made major headway with getting moved out of my house. Life continues to be good here in limbo but the next chapter begins on Tuesday with a stronger sense of faith and as life continues I will look the big c squarely in the eye and tell it, “I will be bigger then you. You cannot defeat me.”

Lymphoma-sodes: Jolly Ranchers & Lint Rollers

8/24/2009

It is now officially day 4 that I've been home and at midnight tonight I will be one week away from beginning my six week road trip known as stem cell. Life is good here in limbo, at this moment. I must admit though at times you wonder if you're in limbo or stuck in purgatory but then you realize you're still alive so it can't be purgatory and depending on the amount of stool softner you've had in the last 48 hours you might as well be in hell on earth but the moment passes, all be it painful, but it passes none the less.

I should have prefaced the squeamish may not want to read what I have to say because I plan on being pretty blunt throughout this blog. With any medical condition your dignity goes right out the door with life as you know it when you hear the words, "You have cancer." So if you're squeamish, close one eye as you read and think of this as best education experience you'll ever get regarding the big c. (For I hope it is the closest anyone a part of my life every comes to it.)

Today was a good day. I'm finding myself to perk up between the evening hours; maybe its because I've always been a night owl. Jolly Ranchers are my new best friend. I'd like to buy a bunch of the peach ones; I only got two in the bag that I found at the grocery store. I remember when that's all you'd find in those bags. I'm down with the peach, orange, cherry, apple, and the occassional watermelon. Quite frankly if it were up to me I'd like to write to Mr. Jolly Rancher Maker and say,

Dear Mr. Jolly Rancher Maker,

You make a magnificent product. As a person fighting cancer for the last year, I'm wondering if you could come out with a cancer line; you know a little something that allows those of us with chemo cravings to pick and choose our own bag. I would be more then happy to be your guinea pig. Please send all of your peach, orange, cherry, and apple jolly ranchers to the enclosed address.

PS. If you could throw in a few sour ones it'd be greatly appreciated as well. Thanks again for keeping my salivary glands in working order.

PPS. No offense but the Jolly Rancher Smoothies are disgusting; save yourself some marketing dollars and nix those suckers.

Maybe not quite so blunt; I may have to butter them up a little more but you get the gist. I think I'm enjoying the Jolly Rancher cause it keeps my mouth moist, which helps me to avoid the dreaded mouth sores associated with chemo.

I've decided to enjoy this week as much as I can. My brother comes home on Friday (flies in at Midnight in Mnpls; Aaron can I just say you should stick to design and not seek out being a travel agent?). I'm excited to see him and hang out. It will be a good visit.

I've decided to rock my hair as is this time. I refrained from having Jeff shave it on Sunday. Today I've lint rolled my pillow and bed about five times. Can I just say I heart lint rollers? I'm totally in shock at how fast it is falling out. I know I'm done with my two rounds of ICE but I've lost I would say over half of what has grown back since March; it was as though the texture changed overnight literally. It is most noticable by my ears but if you saw me in the grocery store it'd just be one of those double takes where you're thinking, "Did I just see a chick that's balding?" and then you'd go about locating your fig newtons (or peach jolly ranchers).

So I'm off to locate some peach jolly ranchers and try to wake up the pooch who has started a rythmic snoring that I must now interrupt.

Lymphoma-sode: The Update

8/19/2009

An update is in order and to make sure we are all on the same page we'll start at the very beginning.

My original diagnosis was done in Aug/Sept 2008. I was diagnosed with Nodular Sclerosing Lymphoma Cancer, otherwise known as Hodgkin's Disease. The type of Hodgkin's Disease I have also happens to be the most common form found in females *a fact you will store in the archives of your brain and years later not know why you know this information.*

I began six cycles *1 cycle = 2 treatments* of AVBD chemo starting in Sept 2008. After a routine PET Scan was done in Dec 2008 we found the Big C to be completely gone. It was the best Christmas present I could ever have received. I continued with treatment until March 2009. My first follow up scan showed cancerous activity by my original tumor but the doctor assured me that statistically this was normal and most likely the tumor trying to spit out it's last breath of life.

**So here's where I tell you exactly how much I HATE the word statistically. Seriously, I'm not a statistic and my life isn't STATISTICALLY anything. I get that the docs and nurses have to go on something but can I just say telling someone STATISTICALLY something should happen and it doesn't or its anything STATISTICALLY related you should reconsider your choice of words.**

I was given a 12 week repreive from treatment and had my first follow up scan July 24th, 2009, which brings us to the present.

One week before my 32nd birthday I learned the Big C returned. Again I was whisked away for needle biopsies (not so fun cause you have to be awake), PET Scans, CTs, and more needle punctures in my body then I care to remember and one really bitchy nurse whom I choose not to complain about considering one out of how many nurses I've had isn't bad, but still its one bitchy nurse too many as far as I'm concerned.

Moving forward...

The game plan is now two rounds of chemotherapy called ICE chemo. I'm admitted into the hosptial to receive it and it takes 3 days. Once this is complete I will undergo a stem cell transplant, which will start as soon as Aug 31st or the week of Sept 7th. Once stem cell is completed and I've been in recovery for 60 days I will have an additional 4-6 weeks of radiation therapy.

Tomorrow I will have finished round dos of the chemo- WOOT WOOT- that's right I'm tooting my own horn folks and expect more of that to happen. I'll find out more when stem cell transplant begins hopefully within the next week or so.

My eyes are getting tired here looking at my screen and I just took a nice big Xanax and Compazine to help me sleep and keep the nausea at bay (TGID- Thank God for drugs!). I plan on watching a little Roseanne (don't ask me why I like that show I just do but only the early ones not the ones where it got all weird!) and tomorrow is a new day!

Lymphoma-sodes: A Bigger & Better Blog

8/18/2009

So here I am; back in the hosptial getting my second dose of ICE chemo for my "recurrence" of the Big C. I've been meaning to start this blog for some time now but with the recent events of life I find myself exhausted when there finally is time. However, now is the best time as ever though, so here we go. This blog isn't just to keep folks updated; I want to take you all on my adventure with the Big C.

For those who know me well its been no secret that I've always been involved in something creative. Writing is no exception. It is something I went to college for but as life happened and I became busier it was lost in the madness. I'm hoping this blog will get me back to that outlet. Writing has always been something very personal for me; it's not something I've ever shared with others unless I had to but things are different now. My attitude about many things has changed dramatically over the last 12 months....so I invite you to join me on this journey for the ups and the downs, the laughter and the tears, and the many lessons that can be learned along the way. I'm hoping, praying, and wishing for this to be a cure in the end; the end of a chapter in my book of life.

As one of my absolute favorite writers, Garrison Keillor has summed it up best,"It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars." I believe it's those scars that give us the invaluable life experiences that make us who we are. And so, the blogging begins...